When I received my Wellesley acceptance letter I was filled with joy that quickly settled into fear. Joy came first from the fact that I was accepted to my dream school but fear because I would be leaving the “home” that I built for myself. Home, in this case can be seen physically, in terms of my family and friends, and metaphorically, meaning that the people, places, and components that made up my identity were all subjected to change. This terrified me.
My friends saw it in more of a positive light. They saw it as a fresh start for me to “reinvent myself” because isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you are living in a different state, over a thousand miles away from home, with people who you have never met before? While there is not anything wrong with this idea, this scared the absolute daylights out of me. I spent years carefully crafting my identity to show only the best versions of myself that were not necessarily who I was authentically. I feared making a mistake, showing a part of my identity that I did not want to be known as.
Although I never showed it to anyone, including my family, this fear was nipping at my ankles and something that I couldn’t shake. I was unsure of who I was without the half-real identities that I created about myself for many years. Constructed from the half-truths of my own becoming, my personality stood on the unstable grounds of my fragmented identity. I was scared to go somewhere where people did not know me and thought I would have to do it all over again. It would be exhausting as it was all throughout high school. This fear and dread was in the back of my mind through the entirety of the summer before my first year.
Months soon pass by and I am in the Target in Framingham picking out what color sheets and pillowcases I want. Fear still lingering, but trying to put on a good face for my parents who are about to drop off their oldest child at a school where we all dreamed, prayed, and cried that I would go to. As my parents were saying their final goodbyes to me, my dad told me to be myself, to be fully authentically myself, and I will be just fine.
As the school year went on, this fear that I had, slowly began to dissipate. It came through reflective moments when I looked around at my closest friends. I realized that these new friends who I just met a couple of months ago, accepted who I am. They saw all of the good and bad moments and stayed with me through it all, judgement free. Subconsciously, over time I also accepted who I was and let the walls of my half-real identity come down. I no longer held onto this idea of perfection in fear of being judged. My friends held my hand through everything. They celebrated my big moments such as going personal best times at the New England Women’s and Men’s Athletic Conference and also consoled me when I was sobbing about how the exam I studied for did not yield the result that I had hoped for. My self acceptance wasn’t something that I needed to personally work on, it came through the safety that I felt in the community here at Wellesley. I was not afraid of being judged because I got a low exam score, nobody thought less of me. Even when I came in dead last in the 200 fly at my first collegiate swim meet, my teammates were still there cheering for me behind the block and high fiving me. They never thought less of me as I feared they would. Showing the imperfect parts of myself freed me to accept who I am.
For anybody else that may have fears about coming to college, starting a new job, or moving to someplace new, creating half-real parts of your identity have the potential to hurt you in the long run. Look at all of the great qualities you bring to the table and don’t be afraid to show the qualities you are still working on. Nobody is perfect, and people won’t judge you even half as harshly as you judge yourself.
All of these photos are from my first year at Wellesley. Here is my first day of orientation where I met Kelly and Rachel, both are my closest friends.
In Puerto Rico during our swim training trip, this is me and Chloe, my partner through it all.
Julia, Cecilia, Maddie, and myself during our swim banquet from my first year, saying our final goodbyes.
Jaya, Campbell, Aubrey, Tracey, McKaela, and Julia on Flower Sunday.