Yep, this was from one of those days.
Actually, this entire week was (and still is – I mean, it’s only Wednesday) a bit of a drag. I got assigned my first two essays (which isn’t much compared to the rest of Wellesley’s humanities majors’ workloads) and I had spent far too many hours battling a NEUR100 problem set. A few points off an ECON quiz (which, since the entire quiz was out of 15, did some real damage) filled me with an unreasonable amount of rage. It was raining all day yesterday, so by 7 PM I couldn’t bring myself to get out of Stone Davis to tread in soggy goose-poop-covered gravel roads all the way to Pendleton East for ECON tutoring. So I stayed in, made myself the beautiful bowl of Kraft Mac & Cheese as pictured here, and listened to my friend complain about her relationship problems.
I think we all have days that are better than others and days that feel far worse in the moment than they are in hindsight. Yes, Wellesley is a beautiful place full of beautiful people, but it can also feel like a place where everyone is doing well while you are not. One time in FREN101, when our professor passed our first quizzes back to us, I felt fairly satisfied with my score until both people to my left and right gasped in relief (or delight? or…I don’t know). With a (slightly illegal) glance, I saw that they both aced the quiz.
The competitive-high-school-vigor that used to occupy my mind has now vanished. Now, there is no definite goal of “getting into college” to propel me forward anymore. Now, the goal is “life”, and I have no clue where to begin. A Social Security Number, a working visa, an internship (albeit unpaid), graduate school, law school, or a job? And how do I get started?
I keep stopping in the midst of my work to wonder – hey, isn’t college supposed to be the prime time to “have fun” and “let loose” before becoming an adult? That’s what my brothers-in-law try to tell me anyway. But how do I make time for fun when I don’t even have enough time to “do well” academically? Sometimes, it feels like the smallest inconvenience – the dryer not working, my student health insurance rejecting coverage, a missed question on a problem set, a mandatory club event, one point off a quiz – could irritate me to no end, despite knowing that these are only small inconveniences.
Despite all these worries, I think sooner or later, it will all be okay. As non-substantive as that statement feels like right now, I keep having to remind myself of the evidence behind “it’ll be okay.” The countless resources on campus from our Residential Assistants (RAs) to Community Directors (CDs) to the Career Education Center itself are all here to support us in any way they can; I have friends who care about me who would (quite literally – as they have before) cover me in blankets and throw food at me to make me feel better; though my parents do want me to do well at college, they comfort me by telling me to have fun and worry less – things they haven’t told me much before. “Think Happy Thoughts!” is quite the Pinterest board meme, but maybe if I keep telling myself that “it’ll be okay”, perhaps it will eventually be okay – for real.