The Spring semester just kicked off. I’m sitting in the Music Library (which is very toasty) writing this post. Coming back from winter break felt odd. I was both dreading and looking forward to coming back to Wellesley. Dreading, because I’ve never been more academically stressed or burnt out. I know that once assignment due dates begin and once we take our first midterms, it never ends. Those perpetual waves of assessments will start in less than a month. I remember feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day to physically be able to finish my work, thus turning down opportunities to have fun with my friends just to finish ridiculous 80-page readings or to cram sheep brain anatomy. I mean, it was definitely my own fault for overloading myself despite knowing better. But here I am again, overloading myself even more this semester and dreading facing the consequences of my choices.
Like many here, my view of myself and my self-worth are far too dependent on my grades and performance in class. But now, when I look back on the Fall semester, I find myself asking if all that stress and fatigue was worth the results. On one hand, I’m feeling okay with my Fall results. On another hand, despite now knowing that I’m capable – like any other Wellesley student – to do the work I commit to even if it is objectively too much, I am scared to go back to the long stretches of days when the work never ends, or the nights when I have so much work to do that I don’t even know what the point of doing all this work is. Those moments were not fun. Even in hindsight, I couldn’t say “it wasn’t that bad” because it really was that bad. Was any of it even necessary?
I know that whether we go to grad school, law school, med school, or otherwise, things will only become more difficult as we specialize more in our careers. Maintaining a work/life or school/life balance will be more challenging than ever, because when your career fuses with your life, where do you draw any line?
When I look back on this Spring semester, I wonder if I’ll shake my head at the unnecessary amount of struggling I put myself through yet again, or if I’ll shrug at the aftermath and accept that “it is what it is.” I guess we shall see in a few months.
Aesthetically pleasing but probably intensely sugary cupcakes at Whole Foods
That said, I was looking forward to coming back here. For many, there are parts of living with family that inevitably make you wish you were alone or somewhere else, no matter where that place may be. I’m glad to be back on campus and with people around my age, despite the inconvenient transportation, shaky internet, and inconsistent shower water pressure. I’m happy to be here with my friends again and to see familiar (masked) faces milling around campus. My roommate Amy and I redecorated our room a little bit (with the exciting addition of a new bulletin board!) and we took a brief walk to Whole Foods where we walked down the aisles, making fun of overpriced cut fruit and gaping in awe at the cupcakes that seemed to have more frosting than cake, as pictured. It is calming to settle back into routines of walking to Lulu, chatting with Amy about stupid things, picking up my violin again, and bringing a little bag of candy around for mid-class treats. Soon, it will be Chinese New Year. Though I am not with my family to celebrate this holiday again, I’m excited for the Chinese Student Association (CSA)’s events and to maybe order some nice food for the occasion. I’ve made promises to call some of my overseas friends and eat ramen with them while catching each other up to speed on our lives. My music class (MUS 201 Classical and Romantic Symphonies) will even be taking field trips to see the Boston Symphony Orchestra perform in the coming months. Though I am dreading my mental health’s inevitable decline, I’m trying to remind myself of how nice it is to live alone, at least physically distanced from those inescapable familial troubles, and of how much there is to look forward to this Spring. It’ll be alright, right? 🙂