Growing Up

There’s a part of me that rejoices in it, the fast pace, the demands from lots of directions. School’s picked up again, see, and I’m under pressure again—running out of time. A full draft of my thesis is due in two weeks. I have a linear algebra test next week. I have a project for 6.036, my Introduction to Machine Learning class, two weeks from now, and those projects take days. I’m worried about 6.036. I got my midterm back, worth 20% of my grade. Though there is a curve, I failed my first test in college. The warning bells are blaring: you miscalibrated, you needed more time, what are you doing with your thesis? What’s going on with you?

And yet :).

You know, I think self-regulation, self-monitoring, the discovery of what you can’t and cannot tolerate, what you need to keep you going day-to-day, keeping healthy and happy—I think that’s one of the most important things that college can teach you. In high school, there were always people around—first at school, then at sports practice, then at home, before and after dinner. If I was upset, my family would know about it and talk to me about it. And my sisters and I lived with an enforced structure: meals, bedtime, rides. In college, I can go a whole day as a stranger in the crowds—passing so many people, even interacting briefly with some, but left alone with my thoughts. And when it’s your own head you’re dealing with chiefly, feedback loops spinning galore, no one to interrupt it—you get to know those feedback loops, and figure out how to shut them off. I am so, so much less stressed than I was in high school, than I was as a first year, than I was as a sophomore, than I was as a junior. Because the thing is, though I’ve got this low-level hum in my head—uh, you miscalibrated, worry about this—I’m watching myself fallback on coping habits I’ve built up over the years, and if ever there was a time when I was equipped to deal with anything that gets thrown my way, it’s now :).

Is the hallway too loud? Turn the fan on. My fan is my best, best friend—I used to have a zero-noise tolerance in high school, and now I’m quite happy turning it up. What if I have to sleep without a fan though—then that would disrupt my habits! Turns out I can sleep without a fan. I can get by on five hours of sleep too for two days. I can pull all-nighters, though I’ll be wreaked the next day. But what if I have a test coming up tomorrow—test anxiety, what if I can’t sleep? Well, go to sleep early then. Not possible? Pull up lists of things to think about when trying—you can’t think about movies, that’ll just wake you up more, and you can’t think about school, but sometimes running through schedules helps. What if I’m on the bus and I have to get stuff does and I don’t have a fan? My newest thing this year is listening to music—the same song on loop so I don’t get unduly distracted by the lyrics. I have decided that music is like a drug—it completely dulls out the portion of my brain that’s analyzing what I have to do next, which is very unhelpful in some cases and a real relief in others.

YOU FAILED A TEST—well, I need more time to study. YOU DON’T HAVE MORE TIME—make it. And if not, just do your best. You’re a senior with somewhere to go this summer and next year—it’s not the end of the world. BUT THE GRADE—you’re here to learn. I haven’t revisited that thought since sophomore year, but I repeated it to myself over and over first year and sophomore years. To friends who were stressed too. Because we’re not here for the grades: we are here to learn.

People keep critiquing you—don’t respond immediately. Save it in a google doc, labeled “think about this later.” After a few days, send a thank you note. Always encourage when people tell you things that need improvement, but do your absolute best not to dwell. I haven’t talked to anyone in ­___ hours—email someone for a meal immediately. Go hang out in a public space where friends are likely to be. I haven’t even gotten to this point yet, because I know how many hours I can tolerate without having a substantive conversation, and I’m not letting it happen. They’re putting pressure on me—tell yourself you’ll do two hours a day, or set a full day aside when you’re not allowed to work on anything else. Make lists of what you’ll do every day—endless lists. Emails don’t need to be replied to immediately. I don’t want to work—go work out. Working out is the best.

I work out almost every day for an hour. My non-sports friends stare incredulously. “How do you have the time?” they ask. I make time, because I know I can’t do without it. I also read for fun an obscene amount—but I’ve tried cutting it, and it’s just not going to happen. I’m still working on that final part—just enjoying when I’m goofing off, so that I’m recharged to work later, rather than feeling guilty. But it’s coming along. Something I used to do, and still something I come back to, is to record the great things that happened that day. That’s the best part about blogging, actually—taking a step back and realizing just how amazing everyone around us is, and how we’re playing a part in their lives as well.

It’s not actually something I hear a lot of people say, but one of the absolute best things I’ve gotten out of Wellesley is learning how not to be stressed. It’s taken years, and I still haven’t completely gotten the hang of it—I’m still not sure how much to use guilt as a motivator, and if I’m ever spending too much or not enough time on something—but overall, there are just so many moments when I’m walking around campus just being happy. I spent the afternoon in the Science Center today—I love being back on Wellesley’s campus, having people come up to me to chat. Appreciating things like that, noticing them, knowing myself well enough to know what to cut and not cut and when—it’s never going to be a perfect system, but there’s a lot of enjoyment along the ride.

It’s decision time for a lot of you soon :). I just received an email from a potential Wellesley student, and Spring Open Campus is coming up. If you can, I definitely recommend coming. Spring Open Campus was what convinced me four years ago, and I was dead-set on not coming until I showed up. Then, just experiencing the feel of it—I was sold eight hours in. Called my parents and told them I’d changed my mind. Wellesley’s a sheltering place, full of incredible people: friends, mentors, teachers. For my interview for the Knafel fellowship on Monday, I walked in and knew two of the interviewers—Prof. Battat teaches my sister, Leslie, in her first-year seminar, and had also interviewed me for a previous scholarhip, and Liz Mandeville is the absolutely amazing director of fellowships at Wellesley who I adore. I didn’t know the Chinese Language and Literature professor, but I can tell you the teaching style of almost every professor in the Science Center, and many of them will greet me as I walk by. Prof. Hildreth meets with me every week to talk about my thesis, and Prof. Conway has changed the course of my career in so many  ways. There are innumerable professors who I owe the world to. And don’t even get me started on friends, and the caring, driven, ambitious, funny, and kind people who I’ve remained connected to over these four years.

Advice for college decisions: go with what feels right. And if nothing “feels right” then just have a good reason to yourself for picking one, because as long as you can justify picking it that’s all you’ll need to have a good time. I remember I made extensive pro and con lists at the first school I visited. Didn’t need to, but it made me feel better. If you can, talk to some students from the school—and of course I’ll recommend blogs if the school has them. You might worry you’ll get a very specific subset of students—which you do, but I have friends who work at Admissions and friends who don’t work at Admissions, and I wouldn’t say that either side is not representative of the college population as a whole. For the people who work at Admissions, it’s just a job that they like to do alongside all of their schoolwork, and most of us have jobs.

A kind professor introduced me recently to a prospective student in an email as “a very brilliant and charming Wellesley science major, who has made many high level accomplishments.” As Lucy, my boss at this blogging job has taught me, I should accept compliments without self-deprecation, and so I say thank you. But it’s not like any of us have this perspective on ourselves where we’re sitting there and thinking: oh, look what I’ve accomplished. We’re involved in the day-to-day of eventually in the far future achieving future accomplishments, of making sure we speak to people every two hours and trying to get our theses done in a timely manner so that our advisors will be pleased. Of using the day-to-day self-knowledge to make sure we can focus on the things that matter, of knowing and living and enjoying our lives with no sense of perspective at all.

Wellesley’s been that place for me, that made both the accomplishments and the self-knowledge happen. I’m so grateful for all that this college has given me, and hope that some of you visit and settle; find Wellesley becomes your lifelong home as well.

—

(Photo creds all to uncle Nick.)