My father pulls up to a house one Christmas evening. As he silences the car, the sound of the engine is replaced by the squeals and the chatter of children playing. My sneakers hit the pavement, and I’m desperate to join them. These kids, who are being schooled in the States, switch fluidly between Spanish and English, making our playtime much more comfortable than what I know I am about to endure on the inside. Inside, I’ll find a place to sit, glued at the hip to my father. The TV will play the news or possibly a soap. At least seven people will be around, laughing and celebrating. I’ll be staring at the carpet, studying the floral design, the swirls and faded patterns, and burning the image into the back of my mind. I’ll be sweating and praying to the figurines of La Virgen that line the room that no one will direct a question to me. I feel like I’m trying to integrate with a different culture for the first time and realizing just how difficult that can be.
But this is not a different culture. This is my culture. As my father likes to remind me, I’m not a guest in this house, I’m family. These aren’t strangers who have invited me to take part in their celebration. These are my tias, my tios, my primos. The difference is that I grew up at my mother’s house. At the request of her family, who are uncomfortable when people don’t speak their language in the home, I only speak English. In school, growing up without an accent has served me well. Here though, trying to interact with my loved ones, especially the older generations who speak only Spanish, I can’t hold a conversation with my own family.
My tia offers me a ladle of something on the stove. It’s a deep purple color, and looks uncomfortably slimy and lumpy. I try to refuse but my father, my papi, shoots me the look, the one where his lowered eyebrows and suddenly unsmiling mouth tell me that refusal will not be without repercussions later. My tia has been working on preparing food all day for anyone who stops by, and it would be rude to the point of hurting her feelings to turn this down. I ask him what’s in the spoon. After a quick exchange with my father, my tia turns to me and says with a heavy Mexican accent something that sounds like the word punch.
Punch? It doesn’t look remotely like the bright red, sweet, sticky stuff that I’m used to, and I’m skeptical, but I know that the lecture I’ll catch from my papi later if I don’t try it will be worse than it could possibly taste. I take a sip.
When I taste the punch, I am taken aback. Full-bodied and full of fresh fruit flavors with sparkling cinnamon notes. It’s warm and comforting and inviting, and tastes like fresh foods before they have been processed and packaged beyond recognition, like the punch I had been expecting that has no recognizable flavors, only sugar and tang. It tastes like Christmas before the commercialization. I take another big drink and mumble my gracias, hoping that my face can express my emotions better than my limited vocabulary.
My childhood was full of these awkward but loving family celebrations. I attended solemn Posadas celebrations and large parties complete with mariachis. At each and every one, I broke away as quickly as I could to go play with the children, but not before “visiting” with the adults, sitting uncomfortably while they chatted after hugging hello, unsure of what to do with my mouth until they handed me a morsel of whatever they had been preparing for me. Warm punches, freshly-baked and fragrant sweet breads, and cheesey, spicy, savory tamales gave me a literal taste of a culture that I had been born into, despite the Spanish language barrier. I never understood what my tias were saying but I understood their love expressed in the flavor and efforts of preparing the home cooked foods that they offered me, and I hoped that, through my appreciative smiles, they understood mine . Before we left the house, we hugged our farewells, and my tia’s embrace told me the message had gotten through.