End of the Year

Hello readers!

Hope you’re all doing well :). I’m happy to share with you that I’ve been approved to blog over the summer (and tentatively next year too). I can’t believe I’m doing this for all four years… so much and so little has changed.

I was rereading my end-of-the-year posts from first-year, and my first thought is that I am remarkably similar to my past self. I have the same use of language, same structure in my posts, and pretty similar content because I like the same things (food, lectures, friends, conversations with professors, working out). One thing I do notice, however, is that I was better with the smiley-faces back then. Meaning I didn’t excessively use them in every paragraph; there’s more wry humor instead. There’s much less of the blissed-out “rainbows and butterflies” sense you get from my recent posts, and more of underlying strain. Pretty pleased underlying strain though. I enjoyed my first year, and that’s visible—I’m just enjoying it all even more now :).

There are so many elements that contribute to this, but foremost just a sense of appreciation of what I have. And I think that’s something that must be developed gradually, because how could I know that what I have is the best, if I don’t know what else is offered, what I want, or where I’m going?

When I was invited to attend a Trustee’s meeting a few months ago, in making a point about campus culture, one of the Trustees told me that no one says things like this: “I am so happy with everything that I’m doing—I’m busy but I feel fulfilled, and if there’s anything that I don’t like I am getting rid of it. I’m enjoying myself so much.”

But I’m at the point where I am allowed to do so. I know my goals for the future, and I know that I’m doing the best I can to work towards them. I know what other careers are available, and I still like this choice best. I look through the course catalogues for classes here and at MIT, and I know which classes I’m likely to enjoy and which ones I don’t want to take. I look at activities on campus, and I’m pleased with what I’m involved in and happy to attend events for the massive number of things that I am not.

One of my friends at MIT said: “it sounds like justification after the fact—reassuring yourself that you like everything you’re involved in because you’ve spent so much time doing it.” And it might be. But regardless of the reasoning behind it, I think that as long as I’m working toward my future—doing my job here as a student— it doesn’t matter why I’m happy with my choices, it only matters that I am :).

Some changes that took place this year:

–       I quit the swim and dive team. I don’t regret either of the two years I spent there, and I really can’t imagine how my first year would have gone without this community. I can’t even imagine how my life would currently be without this community. My closest friends are swimmers, and I’ve maintained close ties to many members of the team. I miss parts of it, but I have more time for classes now, for more patient thought and a slower pace in general. The rewards are different, but I think it was the right decision at the right time.

–       Research. I grown greatly in research this year, not necessarily in skills, but of an understanding of the attitude required, the people behind-the-scenes, the network that underlies employment… I have so much more to learn, and each year I spend doing this work, I feel like the next year I have advanced eons.

–       Nicaragua. I have been looking for a way to repeat something like this next year, but have concluded it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. This makes me inexplicably sad, and it’s an emotion I’ve been feeling a lot recently: no, you will never take that class since your senior-year schedule is locked in, no, you will never have great free cooking like this again, no, your housing will never be as easy as this, your neighbors as available as this, your friends as present as this, your community as diverse and open as this…. Everything is a once-in-a-lifetime experience: “College is the best time in your life.” Makes me want to grab every moment and hold on tight. Excited about the future, but stay here forever.

–       M.I.T. I am immeasurably glad I took classes at MIT this semester. I was so intimidated in the beginning, but have been so welcomed, and almost everyone I encounter there has asked if I will transfer. No, I love my education at Wellesley, and I’m a senior besides. But it was so much the right choice for me at this point in my path, and I love the feeling that at both schools I belong.

–       A head packed full of multivariable calculus, physics, cognitive psychology, computational vision, computational neuroscience, statistics and creative writing. As my English professor reminded me yesterday: “You can write a short story now, which you were absolutely you couldn’t do at the beginning of the semester.” I forgot about that—the profound apprehension I had, the anxious emails I exchanged with her in January. Everything exists on a continuum, with my perception of myself changing throughout, and I forget what I thought I couldn’t do given that it has happened :).

–       And finally, close friends, improved sense of who I am and where I’m going. Friends most of all. They make this experience happen.

That’s all I’ve got for today, readers :). A wrap-up end-of-the-year post. Finals have been happening at Wellesley since Wednesday, and will go until next Tuesday. For the first time, I don’t have any finals at Wellesley, and I will take my neuroscience and physics tests on Monday at MIT, and my math final on Thursday. I’ve got work to do, but it’s under control :).

I’ve got some pictures for you all, and am putting out my weekly plug for comments and questions. And then: until next week!

Monica

Ps, another thing that happened this year, that Ms. Pelham, who is my boss for the blog, encouraged me to post:

I received two research awards this year: I was chosen as an Honorary Nominee for the Goldwater Scholarship, and I am a recipient of the Beckman Scholar Award. I am so thankful to all of the professors who read my essays and served on the committees, and especially to Prof. Conway and Prof. Hildreth. Thank you :).