November 2021
We all do it: we pass someone as we are both wearing masks but we don’t look at one another nor do we even make an attempt to see if we know who they are. If the other person is smiling or frowning, we don’t even know. If we are walking towards one another on a narrow hallway, we each make a wide detour to avoid one another. We are withdrawing more and more from each other, talking less and touching even less frequently. This is not good for our hearts or our souls. We must make an effort to forge safe and responsible human connection and we can do it mindfully and meaningfully.
A sense of social connection is a fundamental human need. It ranks up there with eating and sleeping.
Medical studies show that social connection also has many health benefits. Being with friends lowers feelings of isolation and loneliness, depression and anxiety. It even helps us feel better about ourselves and helps us have more compassion for others. Our physical bodies respond in positive and beneficial ways. If we don’t have social connection, we are at more risk for ill health than if we smoke, have high blood pressure, or are obese.
Having at least one close friend will give you more confidence, make you happier, and reduce your stress level. If your friend gives you a hug, the touch releases oxytocin in your body and you feel even better. A friend who supports you through thick and thin (and vice versa) is one of the best gifts you can ever give yourself. These friends can last throughout your life and will imprint on your heart.
One of my favorite authors is Brené Brown, Social Work Professor in the Graduate School at the University of Houston. She is a sensation and in her many programs and writings, she emphasizes the crucial need for social connection. Here are a few of her fabulous quotes on the topic:
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
“We are profoundly social creatures. We may think we want money, power, fame, beauty, eternal youth or a new car, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, to be loved. We pride ourselves on our independence, on pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps, having a successful career and above all not depending on anyone.”
“We’re going to have to sign up and join, and take a seat at the table. We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.”
“Social media are great for developing community, but for true belonging, real connection and real empathy require meeting real people in a real space in real time.”
“Here’s the rub: we are neurobiologically hardwired for connection. When we stop caring what anyone thinks, we diminish our opportunities for connection, and we’ve got a far bigger problem than a belittling remark.”
I love her first TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
If you are reluctant to form social connections, start with baby steps. Ask someone if they would like to eat lunch outside by the lake. Sign up for a walking group or perhaps a group music or an art class. The next time you walk by someone wearing a mask, say “hi.” Ask them how they are doing and care about their response. They just might ask you the same question.
The benefits will far outweigh the initial uneasiness of jumping in.
