An employee may be reluctant to speak up to a supervisor for fear of retaliation. A student may be fearful to schedule an office hours’ appointment with a professor, knowing that a grade is on the line. A faculty member may stay quiet during an important departmental meeting, fearing it might affect the looming vote on promotions.
We are taught from a young age to be deferential to authority – a parent, teacher, religious leader, elder statesman, supervisor, someone lighter skinned or more articulate in English, a man (especially a wealthy one), and the list goes on. We see deference in various places: someone curtsies to Queen Elizabeth, a Japanese princess bows before her parents as she relinquishes her title to be with her commoner boyfriend, a young person removes a pierced nose ring before walking into a grandparent’s home for Thanksgiving, a college president comes in the room and we stand up.
We see respect in everyday actions: a troop salutes a coffin of their commanding officer draped in the American flag, a person gives up a seat on a packed subway for an elderly person, people clap at 7 pm to honor health care workers who have been caring for Covid patients, a group of students give a standing ovation to a retiring professor, in public, an employee thanks a supervisor for excellent mentorship.
It may be that the difference between deference and respect is that deference is a very high level of respect – perhaps even encompassing custom. Both are important components of our society. We have learned, however, that respect must also be earned. Respect has been appropriately lost to those to whom many had been deferential due to clerical robes or political stature then violently physically/emotionally abused that power. Some laws and policies help to keep the abuse of power in check, such as sexual harassment laws, retaliation policies, and whistleblower protections.
So what can we do when we need to say what we believe to be true to someone in authority? What if the powerful person takes it as a criticism or is offended? They may be able to – and in fact, may -punish us in some way. Many are understandably reluctant to speak up. Some are from cultures where it is rare to abandon deference. There are some tools we can use to help us speak with persons in power.
These suggestions are not only for those who want to speak to those in power but also for the powerful.
- Actively embrace constructive comments. Those in power should communicate that they are open to feedback – even better if they encourage it. Those in the less powerful roles should also adopt a positive attitude towards constructive comments: both for giving and receiving them. Sometimes we are so convinced that we are right about something that we take a strong “position” about it and it is difficult to listen and/or to consider a change. Be open to hearing the other person as well as to considering an adaptation.
- Build trust by doing your part, always doing a good job, not making excuses, and not using negative emotions or words to jeopardize your good name and your relationships. We are all responsible adults here and we need to both aim for and attain the high road. Don’t abuse trust.
- Be civil and honest, while at the same time expressing respect for the person and their point of view. As Kim Scott explains in her book Radical Candor, it is important to express that you care about the person so much that you want to express your opinion about what needs improving.
- Listen carefully to what the other person says and be able to say, “What I hear you saying is…” Too many people only half-listen because they are thinking more about what they want to say next. Both the person in power and the other person need to listen closely to one another, show curiosity about what they are hearing, and then try to weave the two conversations together. Use concrete examples rather than saying the other person “always” does something.
- Check your attitude and if kindness and concern about the other person’s well-being are not present, actively make that your intention. If you approach these conversations both with a kind frame of mind as well as a helpful one, you will find that your success rate will be much higher than if you approach it with enmity and self-righteousness.
Some examples of how to begin these conversations…
A student speaking with a parent regarding something about which you disagree: “Mom and Dad, the other day when we tried to talk about (who I’m dating, my lifestyle choices, what I’m doing for the holidays, where I’m living, etc.), it seemed like we hit a brick wall and I would like to try again where everybody is calm, we focus on the issue, and we respectfully listen to one another. Can we have that conversation (now, tomorrow at 8 pm, this weekend, etc.)?
An employee speaking with a supervisor about how they are managing your work: “I would really like to set aside some time where we can discuss how often we have meetings, what those meetings look like to you and to me, and how the meetings can be improved. Can I send you a meeting invitation and that will be our topic of conversation?”
An untenured faculty member speaking with a Department Chair about a crucial issue affecting your research and teaching schedule: “I’d like to talk with you about the issue that came up at our department meeting and would like to have Professor X there too (you have previously spoken with Professor X, who is tenured and who also understands the issue and the power imbalance).
The Ombuds office is here to help you discuss how to approach these conversations. We can discuss specifics, role play a conversation, and make a list of things you would like to say and steps you would like to take.
