Most of the inquiries I get as an Ombuds are how to handle interpersonal conflict. The visitor and I confidentially discuss the situation(s) and then explore all the options for responses, from ignoring it to confronting it, and everything in-between. The visitor usually chooses an option of receiving some coaching on how to respond/act or asking for a facilitated dialogue with the person because it takes a lot of the emotion out of the room and it becomes more about the issue itself. As an introduction to some methods utilized in dealing with tensions with a co-worker, classmate, colleague, etc., I’ll outline a few strategies below.
Be aware of and check your own biases – ‘flip it to test it’ because you might be able to successfully challenge your assumption.
Don’t think in a polarizing way (I’m right and they are wrong) because there is always a 3rd thing that is closer to the issue and that needs to be solved.
Be clear about your goal … do you want the relationship to be healthy and move forward or do you merely want a functional working/educational relationship?
Avoid side conversations where you talk badly about people … but if you do talk with someone trustworthy, do it with your best intentions.
Experiment to see if you can find a good work- around, such as coming up with 2 or 3 different tactics and try them out to see you can interrupt the conflict pattern of the past.
Don’t get stuck with your label of a person. Try instead to become more curious about them. This may allow you to think of more creative ways to be around the person (e.g., why is she acting this way?) and allow you to have less of a knee jerk reaction.
Sometimes the difficult person has had an event that had a negative effect on them and they haven’t effectively dealt with it. If you treat them with kindness and ask them positive, neutral questions like ‘how did you like that game this weekend?’ Or give them a little compliment (non-sexual of course) like ‘that’s a nice coat – seems the perfect weight for this weather’ … that might help them feel appreciated. Often the wounded people are sorely in need of recognition- even though it seems counter- intuitive.
Often when we are dealing with a challenging person, we immediately go into our own defense mode. We do this because we feel that we need to win or we need to protect our own reputation. Practicing some strategies that help you be more resilient will hopefully make those healthier responses become your usual response and improve the atmosphere going forward.
If you would like to discuss these strategies in more detail or if you’d like to role play some scenarios, please contact me and we will schedule something soon.
