As the adult in the room, you are responsible for your group, whether they are employees you supervise, students you teach or children that are in your family. You model behavior you want to see and you create the boundaries of what respect looks like. You set the norms and expectations. Good work is praised in public and bad work requires constructive criticism in private.
You are not doing your group any favors by letting them do whatever they want. Do not make excuses for them such as “they are still developing.” They need guidance and structure and you can help them make good choices and achieve. As the adult, we show our group that we all operate under the same positive norms and expectations and we will celebrate responsible performance.
Here are 8 things to think about as the adult in the room:
- Model good behavior – the kind you want to see.
Pay full attention to your group. Staring into your phone while talking with someone sends a message that they are not important enough to warrant your time. Think before you speak to your group, particularly if something happened that caused you to be angry, and respond calmly with a statement about how you would have preferred the situation had played out. Be on time, speak without derision, and be good to your word.
- Accept where you are in your life.
Own it fully and do not fall into a victim mindset. Practice effective, empathetic and assertive communication. Failure to communicate causes confusion. It can also lead to feelings of exclusion, which can lead to camps being created, criticisms verbalized and trust breaking down.
- Be courageous.
This does not mean going out to tackle the bad guys. It means being strong enough to be vulnerable and honest. To have difficult conversations. To create boundaries and stick by them. To be open to feedback. To be willing to admit when you are wrong, sincerely apologize, and say that you want to do better. These are behaviors of a truly mature, self-aware and self-confident person.
- Earn trust.
Keep your word. Being the adult in the room means to check your ego and operate from a place of genuine concern and compassion for everyone your team. Give others credit where it is due. Let your team know that you are looking for collaboration but also that the buck stops with you.
Model and expect a healthy work-life balance. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” the old proverb, certainly rings true. Also, “All play and no accountability makes Jack an irresponsible boy.”
- Call people and meet them face to face.
Why call when we can just email or text? As the adult, you need to use the phone and have face to face meetings. You need to expect the same of your team. It is always better to hear a voice, see someone’s smile (or frown), and actually talk something through. Texts and emails lack context and you have no idea if someone is trying to be funny or if they said something deliberately insulting. Many misunderstandings can be avoided if you meet in person or at least talk on the phone. You can show that you are a rock star adult by modeling actual voice communications.
- Be grateful.
As adults, we both give and get a lot by expressing gratitude. Not just thinking that someone on our team did a good job, but actually saying it. When we name the things we are personally grateful for, it helps put things into perspective and boosts our attitude. Making room in the day for our team to do these things will be valuable. It is not about being a Pollyanna; rather, it is about recognizing what is good in our lives and not wallowing in self- pity. Adults in the room work to construct, rather than to destroy. Being grateful as we work towards our team goals will help them be achieved.
- Honor boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves and our team. These rules enable us to interact safely with regard to physical and emotional/mental behaviors. Not having boundaries with children, for instance, can be life threatening for them. A workplace or classroom with no boundaries results in chaos and contempt. It is helpful to have your team work together to come up with norms so that you all have ownership in them.
As an adult, we will need to guide our team to be thoughtful about setting boundaries and expectations. One example is to try to avoid passive or aggressive communication and, instead, engage in assertive (positive and constructive) communication. Your team can learn to express feelings about the specific behaviors that are troublesome and hopefully they can be resolved amicably.
Some examples of assertive communication:
“I feel frustrated that I have to ask you to respond to a calendar request on a fairly frequent basis. What can we do so that I don’t have to monitor this or nag you?” or
“I’ve noticed that you are often late to our meetings. It makes me feel like you don’t think my time is as important as yours, plus it is embarrassing for the others to see me sitting there by myself waiting for our meeting. I’d appreciate it if you could make a real effort to be on time and if you run into an emergency that causes you to be late, text me and let me know what time you will be at the meeting.”
- Practice forgiveness of self and others.
Sometimes we say things that hurt the other’s feelings and it causes deep wounds. Rather than letting these things hang in the air, like the elephant in the room, it is far better to be brave and discuss it. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, apologize, ask if they would like to share their thoughts or feelings, and work on making things better. Doing this relatively close in time to the hurtful event is better than waiting a long time to address it – but even if it has been a long time, you will be better off for having discussed it.
All of this “adult being” is exhausting and you cannot always be the perfect roll model. As Sylvia Plath said, “Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.” So, be kind to yourself and give in to some pampering along the way. Just try to do your best with good intentions. I expect you will have a very good result.
