Reframing is a tool used by mediators and negotiators and can be very effective.
Let’s say two visitors, Olivia and Noah, come to my office seeking a facilitated discussion due to a conflict. They are anxious about being there and probably rather doubtful that a resolution is possible.
I give my usual introduction about the role of the Ombuds during the facilitation, including the ground rules such as respectful language and uninterrupted time to speak, and I ask who would like to begin. Noah volunteers, explaining the back story in some detail and ends up saying:
“Olivia and I spend a lot of time together and lately she constantly criticizes everything I say and do.”
Olivia then explains her view of the situation, also in detail, and says:
“So, you can see that what Noah said is not true. Noah is overly sensitive and feels judged by every single thing I try to suggest.”
These statements are called “frames.” Each person has framed their perception of the situation. Clearly, there are emotions involved, perspectives and hurt feelings. Often one person blames the other for negative actions and words against them.
The strategy of “reframing” is a way of re-stating what has been said by the parties in a way that makes the words more neutral, less hurtful and easier for each of the parties to hear and understand.
Here is an example of reframing what these two visitors have just said:
“I’ll attempt to summarize what each of you has said and I ask that you please let me know if it is correct or incorrect and I can try again:
The two of you spend a lot of time together. Noah hears comments from Olivia that pertain to how he works, speaks, and acts. Noah feels that these comments are not always complimentary and it makes him feel disrespected. Olivia tries to make constructive suggestions to Noah in order to help make things better between them. Olivia feels that her comments are intended as positive and thinks that perhaps her way of speaking might be misunderstood.
What I take from this is that you both care about how you interact with one another, you respect and appreciate the other, and you would like to be able to have clear communication that is both easier and more effective. Does that sound accurate?”
Often what you will see is that the parties, sometimes for the first time, realize that the other one had a good intention in what they were saying or doing but that somehow it came across as negative.
If you speak with someone about something you believe could be helpful in your work/living situation and it is met with resistance, try reframing that very same sentence. You can remove words/phrases like “always,” “never,” and “it drives me crazy” and replace them with “I noticed that on Tuesday you …” and “At the last meeting you showed up fifteen minutes late,” and “If you could please …”
My guess is that you will receive a better response to what you are trying to share. Practice reframing a few things before you actually begin the conversation and it might feel more natural. If you would like to run through a few scenarios with the Ombuds and discuss specific situations, please give me a call.
