So often we point a finger and blame another for their behavior towards us, but how often do we take our own temperature to see how we are conducting ourselves? Maybe we need to assess our Emotional Intelligence (EI).
Here are the components of emotional competence:
- Self-awareness
- Self-regulation
- Motivation
- Empathy
- Social skills/conflict resolution
Daniel Goleman, who wrote a number of books regarding emotional intelligence, has stated that EI is as important as academic intelligence (perhaps even more). The ability to be able to regulate your emotions because you are aware of your nature, you can “read” a situation, and you can respond appropriately is extraordinarily important. Having a healthy motivation to interact with others and show empathy will always serve you well in having friends and colleagues with whom you get along. Social skills fell off a bit during the pandemic, but we have an opportunity to work on them and bring them back into our lives, thus increasing happiness.
Let’s begin with our own feeling of self-worth. Having a strong sense of your own strengths and capabilities will give you the foundation for the self confidence that is important for a successful life. I know people who are multi-talented, yet do not give themselves credit for all that they are able to do. On the other hand, we all know people who are critical of others, yet give themselves a pass. The people in the latter category are often lacking in self confidence and therefore compensate in that way. It is much healthier to focus, instead, on the things one does well – credit where credit is due – and be humbly confident in one’s abilities.
Next, look at your ability to regulate your emotions. Do you tend to respond in a passive, aggressive or assertive manner? If someone offers a nasty opinion that you strongly disagree with and you simply nod your head and walk away, perhaps you are giving that person power over you. If you scream at them instead, lashing out with phrases like “you’re an idiot” and labeling them with other negative terms, you are not being effective in your response and you also are giving them a type of power over you because you have lost control of your emotions. If, instead, you respond respectfully with an assertive answer such as “I understand that you think (x), but I believe (y) because (z).” A calm and thoughtful response will be heard and will also allow you to feel good about yourself.
What is your source of motivation? Are you driven by your own sense of achievement or do you look for approval from an outside person or group? Are you optimistic about reaching your goals or do you set yourself up for failure? If you have a readiness to act on healthy opportunities and you are self-motivated, it is more likely that you will be successful.
Do you try to take an interest in others and show compassion when they are struggling? If you can do this, regardless of the other person’s identity, race, religion, age, disability, etc., then you are showing a healthy belief in the worth of all people and you interact in a respectful and gracious manner.
Finally, are you adept at handling conflict? Are you able to resolve differences in a way that preserves friendships/family/work relationships? Being able to differentiate between a person’s “position” (WHAT they want) and their “interest” (WHY they want it) will go a long way in achieving that goal. For instance, someone’s position might be “I want my desk to be by the window” yet, your position is that you also want your desk by the window. To identify their “interest,” you might ask “why” they want their desk there and then learn that they really want good light on their work. If your “interest” in wanting to sit by the window is because natural light is important to your psyche, you might be able to resolve the difference. Let’s say that the other person would be thrilled with a strong desk lamp and you would be able to move your desk by the window. By working from “interests” rather than “positions,” you are able to able to negotiate a solution that works well for both of you.
Stay aware of how you are handling all five components of your EI. It is a crucial tool in our healthy state of being and worth every bit of work you put into it.
