People come to the Ombuds Office for a wide variety of reasons, including searching for options due to struggling relationships with colleagues, departments, classmates, institutions, and even with themselves. It seems paradoxical that one would want to fix a problematic situation that they have comfortably settled into, but it shows that self-awareness and a mindful desire for growth can lead to positive change.
Having this issue arise more than once led me to a book entitled “Resisting Happiness” by Matthew Kelly. I found these questions on the back cover:
“Are you overwhelmed?” Do you procrastinate? Do you sometimes feel like you are your own worst enemy? Are you ignoring your dreams? Have you lost the courage to truly be yourself? Do you feel that your life lacks meaning and purpose? Do you find yourself avoiding the real issues in your life and focusing on the superficial?”
All of us resist things in life that we know are good for us, yet we struggle to make changes. Maybe we think, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” and continue along our merry – but misguided – way. We not only resist good choices every once in a while… most of us do it every day.
We see smart people do stupid things and wonder why in the world would they do that. Kelly posits that often the reason is that they think that the (stupid) thing will make them happy, but in all likelihood, it hobbled their inner happiness. Other things that destroy happiness are comparing yourself to others, worrying, clinging to bad relationships, debt, negative thinking, etc. Think of your true and healthy sources of happiness and focus on them instead.
One very powerful source of happiness is being curious about the world and always wanting to learn. Having a thirst for knowledge, reading, and embracing a wide range of information can provide genuine happiness. Resisting a life of curiosity and settling into mediocrity can lead to depression and ennui.
One chapter that resonated with me is titled The Power of Habits. In it, the author explains that resistance loves bad habits. We engage in negative actions, such as reading social media to avoid doing our work or eating even though we are not hungry. In addition, we cope with negative habits of the mind, like obsessing over the worst possible outcome in a situation or blaming yourself even when it’s not your fault. A possible step towards fighting resistance and beginning to establish a positive and healthy habit is to choose one thing over which only you have control and plan to create a new habit. I read somewhere that if you do some new routine for eleven days, it can become a habit. Perhaps identify that new habit – either an action or a mindset – and write it down on the calendar. Then dutifully make yourself fight the resistance not to engage in that new habit and actually do it for eleven straight days. On the twelfth day, think about your new routine and how it makes you feel. Did it make a difference? Is there another small routine that you could add to that for another period of time? You will hopefully find that you have stopped engaging in the behavior (physical or mental) that was robbing you of some amount of true happiness.
A final thought is to mindfully express gratitude every day. Everyone has problems, some huge and some small, but we all have many things that we can be grateful for. Saying out loud the things for which you are thankful is a powerful action and leads to more positive manifestations. All of these things can help restore true happiness.
