Why We Need to Change Our Behavior When Someone Annoys Us
Why indeed? THEY need to change. Right? Well, they probably won’t change and we want to remain healthy so the answer is, yes, we do need to change. Here are a few suggestions.
Take a deep breath – it helps immensely and it’s not just your yoga instructor telling you. It’s your body as well because there is more air coming into your body and that causes us to relax. Anxiety and stress are reduced and our nervous systems are much happier.
Clear your perceptions. It’s important not to imply negative motives to someone. Maybe they are operating out of a place of hurt, self-protection or fear. Assume the best and try to be accepting.
Give the other person some positive recognition. It’s counter-intuitive since it seems odd to praise someone who is getting on our nerves, but it changes the dynamics, reduces defensiveness and brings some happiness into the room.
Take a little break if emotions are getting too heated. Saying, “I think that we are having some trouble communicating so maybe it will help if we take a short break and then come back to talk.” Note the “we” and not the “you,” which is important because it shows that you share the responsibility in the troubled conversation.
Ask the “why,” along with other questions to understand the other person better. When someone demands “X,” rather than immediately saying no, ask why they want X. Use a tone of voice that demonstrates that you care about the answer – do not be patronizing or accusatory.
Listen for their answer and repeat it in a summary, taking out any negative commentary. This shows that you are listening. If they share hurt feelings, say you are sorry they feel that way.
Here is a fictional example:
Jessica and Pat work together. Jessica has a fiery, aggressive manner and Pat keeps her head down and is passive. Both Jessica and Pat want to be able to work well together with as little conflict as possible but their history has been that they simply try to ignore one another and work in a parallel universe. Their supervisor needs some of their work to be done together and has told them that there is a deadline coming up in a month. The supervisor schedules a meeting for the two of them, they read these guidelines ahead of time, and here is how it goes:
- Jessica and Pat each take a deep breath before entering the conference room.
- Jessica is thinking that Pat will be a doormat. Jessica clears that perception and imagines that Pat will be a constructive, productive colleague.
Pat is thinking that Jessica will be a bulldozer. Pat clears that perception and imagines that Jessica will be a constructive, productive colleague.
- Pat says, “Hi Jessica, good to see you. I saw that work you did on the Y project and it was amazing.”
Jessica says, “Hi Pat, thanks. It was a lot of time but I’m glad it is finished. How are you doing?”
- Pat snaps, “Well, I was doing ok until our supervisor ordered us to work together, which I don’t want to do, and we just have a month.”
Jessica snaps back, “I don’t want a collaborative project any more than you do.”
Pat says, “I’m sorry; I’m just stressed.”
Jessica says, “Me too. Want to take a break for some coffee and come back in here in 15 minutes?”
- Pat says, “That was a good idea to take a break. I’d like for us to talk about our plans for working together, especially for this upcoming project. Why don’t you want a joint project?”
Jessica says, “Yes, it was good for us to clear our heads a bit. I guess I don’t want a joint project because I feel like you take a back seat and I do most of the work.”
Pat says, “It sounds like you feel that I don’t do my share of the work but honestly it seems like you’d rather do it your way and kick me aside.”
Jessica says, “No way – I really need your work; you are especially good at the details and those are crucial.”
Pat says, “I’m so glad to hear that and I like how you have big picture ideas. I hope we can divide up the work ahead of time and then check in with each other for both of our opinions each day.”
Jessica says, “Yes, I totally agree. Let’s figure out a plan for dividing up the work.”
In this example, the colleagues were able to take their negative perceptions about the other one out of the picture and enter into a constructive conversation about working together. Their praise about something regarding the other person’s work helped establish mutual respect (if not for the person, at least for the work). The specific agreement to have a concrete plan to work together will help if they begin to fall back into the “silo” method of working.
Changing our own behavior allows us to approach a conversation with another person in a different way and usually leads to a much better outcome. If all we do is learn to get along in order to achieve a work goal, that is a victory in itself.
December 1, 2021
