Being able to have a respectful conversation with another person is a crucial skill. It’s a 2-way street, with listening as the primary action and speaking without toxic positivity as the secondary action.
Avoid selective hearing:
Listening to hear and understand is not as easy as it seems; too often we are half listening, focusing more on what we are going to say when it’s our turn. One technique to use that is helpful in effective listening is to repeat back what you heard the other person say – and sometimes harsh emotion needs to be taken out of your summary/paraphrase. It’s a bit disarming for someone to hear you repeat what they said because they’re not used to people really listening to understand. It’s also a bonus if you can offer them something if you sense that their feelings are hurt. An example might be:
“You’re always going to lunch with Jas and acting so stupid happy.”
‘You notice that I’m having lunch with Jas a lot and enjoying it?’
“Yeah. It’s annoying.”
‘Do you want to join us or would you like for us to be quieter?’
“I guess I could come along sometime. Thanks.”
‘Sure, how about tomorrow?’
In this example, it’s clear that that the first speaker felt left out but it was expressed in a negative manner – which is often the case. When someone feels hurt, they often lash out in some way. Try not to pile on, to make them feel even worse (e.g. “What’s your problem? Why can’t you make your own lunch plans?”) and if you can do something, even small, to lessen their hurt, that’s a nice gift to them.
The speaking part:
Responding to someone who is hurting should be genuinely empathetic and not laced with “toxic positivity,” which is a failure to validate someone’s hurt by saying things that don’t acknowledge what they shared and are stated in a peppy and meaningless way.
Someone who is sad because their family pet just died doesn’t want to hear you talk about how sad YOU were when your pet died or say that “everything happens for a reason – maybe your pet was really sick” – they want to hear that you are really sorry and that you are there if they want to talk more about it. Someone who is angry because they worked hard on a project and didn’t get any positive feedback about it doesn’t want to hear “Just get over it … next time will be better.” Such a response makes the person feel that their anger wasn’t valid and if they can’t just get over it, something is wrong with them. Dismissing someone’s valid feelings can lead to greater stress and anxiety than they already had.
While it may seem like you’re helping someone by suggesting “Don’t worry, be happy,” it is the wrong way to respond. Next time, say something that acknowledges the other person’s feelings and offer to sit with them or talk with them if that’s what they’d like. That’s the best kind of “positivity.”
