Do you know anyone whom you’ve labeled “toxic?” Here are some examples of their behavior:
- self-absorption or self-centeredness
- manipulation and other emotional abuse
- dishonesty and deceit
- difficulty offering compassion to others
- dramatic and/or conflict-driven
Here are the behaviors that toxic people engage in:
Toxic people are manipulative. They try to get people to do what they want. It’s always all about them. They use other people to accomplish what will benefit them. They are not equal in a relationship.
They are judgmental. They will criticize you, mostly behind your back but sometimes to your face. You have “done something to them” if you don’t do their bidding or if you report to someone what they have said or done. They often do not tell the truth.
Toxic people are unable to take responsibility for their own feelings and negative behavior. They project their feelings onto you, making you responsible for their misery. If you try to point this out to them, they will deny it and not take ownership of it.
They don’t apologize because it is never their fault. They are adept at trying to gain sympathy and allies by claiming “victim” status. They are often narcissistic and hyper-focused on their looks and their needs.
These people are also wildly inconsistent. Their behavior or words may change depending upon what they need at the time. They can appear to be kind to you when they want something from you.
Toxic people play the “are you a loyal friend” game with you to make you choose them over someone else, or something they want over your choice of something. Some are so manipulative that you end up losing other – valuable and balanced- friendships.
They are expert manipulators. You may think that you’re having a discussion, and then all of a sudden they change the subject and talk about a problem they are having – of course wanting you to fix it. They often delegate rather than take responsibility for it themselves.
They are not caring, supportive, or interested in what’s important to you, although in their minds they are. When something good happens to you, they are jealous that the focus is not on them. They will tell you that you are wrong when you are not. They will not be loyal to you.
Toxic people are draining and any time you are with them, you are exhausted. Don’t give them permission to leave you depleted. Often we start off a relationship with a new friend, thinking that they really need you (a bird pretending it has a broken wing); later you realize that you are always helping them and it is never the other way around. Don’t let it continue – it’s not healthy. You should never feel bad about yourself because of a relationship with another person. A true friend lifts you up.
Some ideas on how to respond:
If they always “play the victim,” try not to nod, agree with them, or ‘make things right.’ Instead, try respectful disagreement. “I had a different take on the situation,” is a good response. Stick to the facts and try not to make accusations (because they will focus on defending themselves).
If they constantly complain about others or accuse you of doing something wrong to them or not caring about their needs… Don’t bring up your own complaints and try not to defend yourself.
Instead, here are some things you can say:
‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
‘I feel uncomfortable when I hear unkind things about others. I won’t participate in those conversations.’
‘I value trust in friendship and you have not been truthful. I can’t continue this friendship if you lie to me again.’
Remember, don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being. With a real friend you have equal give and take, mutual respect, you listen to each other, and trust one another. You feel good about yourself when you are with them. Toxic people need professional help – don’t fall victim to their antics.
