Many of these Ombuds blogs deal with how to navigate difficult relationships but this month the topic will be maintaining and nurturing healthy friendships – a skill every bit as important as the others. Our mental and physical health actually crave good “give and take” friendships and such bonds make invisible as well as palpable improvements in our lives.
Here are some important things to keep in mind if you want to nourish a friendship:
Make time for that person.
Don’t be too busy to talk or spend time with your friend. If you are on overload with obligations, you might want to set up something – anything – so that your friend knows that you value the relationship enough to put an activity on the calendar. Perhaps it’s just a phone call or maybe something more fun like going out for lunch, going window shopping or bike riding, but you are making time for them. Your focus will be on that friend and not on your phone. Your conversations will be both about you and about them. If all you do is carry on about yourself, that’s being a selfish friend. It means the world to someone else that you care enough about them to actually ask about their lives, listen, and ask follow up questions that show that you are actually paying attention. It’s also important to express gratitude for the time that you spend together. Even if you just have time for a few texts, be specific and show that you are mindful of what is going on in their lives, such as “How did your date go?” or “Did you like the company where you went for the interview?” If you just send a generic message to a friend, such as “How are you,” that doesn’t indicate that you are paying attention to them whatsoever. Make a time & interest investment in your friend. It will pay off in huge dividends.
Practice positive, vulnerable consistency
Your great friendships are, above all, positive. You lift each other up, say to one another that you are happy to have them as a friend, you laugh and cry together, and you do things to help make each other’s lives better. If you make a mistake and inadvertently hurt their feelings, you apologize and repair the friendship. You are vulnerable, compassionate and honest with each other because you trust one another enough to share things about yourselves that expose weaknesses and failures. Also, your time together as friends has some kind of routine to it … you know that you will get together and that the two of you will make it a priority.
Be emotionally available in both quality and quantity of time
Your friend will know when you are giving them less time and also when you are giving them less mindful attention. It might be helpful to verbalize the importance of making meaningful time for each other. Being honest with one another is also a priority, but practice compassionate honesty so that you can help one another without being the “expert” or the “critic.” Ask questions such as “Have you thought about how that may have been interpreted?” rather than simply stating that something they did was a big mistake. Pointing out each other’s’ strong attributes also fuels a strong connection because – face it – we all want our friends to be cheering us on.
Make friendship a priority, tend it like you would a valuable plant in your garden, and pay attention to how you feel when you get home after spending quality time with a dear friend. It will be amazing.
