I arrived in Geneva, Switzerland exactly three weeks ago, and I’ve gone through a lot of emotions since then. I was excited, then I was stressed out (and I mean really stressed out). When I was in my new accommodation I was happy to get settled in, but then some personal issues arose, and I was anxious for what seemed to be a unending period of time (only a few days, actually—who is this diva?!). Whenever I go through the motions of change and inevitably face uncertainty, I never seem to get used to it or have the ability to stay level-headed by referencing how I tackled difficulty in the past. I’m far from mature, both mentally and physically, but I often think to myself, “as someone who has been alive (and living well) for two decades, I should be way less anxious than I am.” Sometimes this anxiety I feel turns into a source of shame, which can be difficult to shake off when I need to focus on academics or want to socialize with my new peers. Life goes on, as everybody says, but when it feels like your feet are superglued to the ground with nowhere to go, it’s easy to feel like your life will now be this horrible moment replaying for eternity.

I don’t think I have always been an anxious person, but people change as do the seasons. Notwithstanding my lack of rationale or feelings of control, I want to make the most of this semester abroad in Geneva. I know it won’t all go according to plan, but I’ll try my hardest to assuage the worried and overly-controlling parts of me, instead letting the happy-go-lucky and excited parts of me take over.

I’m excited to take part in this fellowship because it’ll be an outlet for my reflections, and it’ll help me discover who I am as a person and the way I function on a more intimate level. I often forget to make space for myself outside of being a student, a quasi-older-sister, etc. I forget to invest time and energy into becoming my own person, someone whose identity is not inherently braided into an institution or a relationship, but rather exists wholly independently. My therapist asked me to describe myself outside of school, family, and work, and when I thought about my interests, passions, and all of my different facets, I lacked definitive answers. I guess I don’t know myself very well, so I am going to use this semester abroad and this fellowship as a means of getting to know myself better, and what better place to do it than in nature?

After my French lesson today, I stood behind the building the class was held in and looked out towards the lake. The weather was horrible, and I was chilly, but I stood there for a short time and focused on being present. I listened to all of the sounds surrounding me, locating them in terms of proximity and direction. I took deep breaths, appreciating the clean, crisp, and cool air. It was healing, honestly, and this is going to be a weekly practice for me which will do me good. Even with all the power and money in the world, you can’t control everything. So why would I, someone with little power and even less money, bother trying to control my life, which is bigger than anything I can even imagine? I think I’d rather spend my time taking things slowly and appreciating the good and learning from the bad. That’s obviously easier said than done, but I hope to adopt that mindset and put it into practice throughout this fall and bring it back to Wellesley in the spring.

I’ll report back to you all next week with more light-hearted reflections (and hopefully some photos of me going out if I remember to take any)!

À bientôt, mes amis!