#1: 1/31/25
Sit spot: Blue Lagoon cliff, Nusa Lembogan, Bali, Indonesia
11:05am

Today I challenged myself to do something scary alone. I took my rental scooter, the preferred method of travel on this small Indonesian island, and drove to where I’m sitting now: the Blue Lagoon. The cliff I’m on seems to be made of volcanic rock and the bright, clear blue waters are crashing against the cliffs about 10 meters below where I sit. I can see where the lapping waves have worn down the side of the cliff, carving out rough indentations. This rock is older than any life on the planet – if not in this exact form, then in molten rock before, or sediments accumulated nearby, the same materials reshaped by heat and time. In a way, I am the same: the materials I am made of are also continually reshaped by time into new forms.

A small brown cow is grazing on a tree behind me. Unlike me, she is not afraid to be alone. In fact, she likely sees herself as just that – a being. I could learn that from the beings around me. The hundred-legged caterpillars that swarm the steps of my hostel seek company, but they wander on their own as well. Though I planned solo travel, my first six days have been accompanied by someone I met along the way. We both found comfort in togetherness, and fear of being alone prevented me from branching out on my own. Today was a challenge because my travel partner crashed her scooter into a wall yesterday and lost confidence in her driving skills. Rather than go out alone I opted for what I saw as the more comfortable, less lonely, safer option: staying at the hostel with her. But today while she was busy, my last day in Bali, I trusted myself to take the risk and do the scary thing of venturing out alone.

This alone-ness in the world is teaching me how I have always defined myself in relation to other people. I have never been particularly good at being alone physically, so I haven’t explored this feeling much. I am learning that long periods of solitude come with being alone mentally as well, in the sense that I separate my being from the existence of others and allow myself to experience the world as a single entity both among and a part of other entities. I am more like the cow than I realize – a being roaming these cliffs alone. Though our alone-ness is much the same at this moment, the constant digital connection I maintain prevents me from being truly alone like she is. This is why I write this on pen and paper without consulting my phone. To sink into my thoughts fully I have to separate myself from this constant connection.

 
What a privilege it is to be alone. To be healthy, brave, and independent enough not to need the presence of another. Humans are unique in that we require the most parental care of any being on the planet by far, and we group ourselves in cities and families our whole lives. Perhaps we have grown too accustomed to never being alone. I am by no means a solitary animal, but by putting myself in this position I think I can come closer to experiencing the wonders of this world fully, untethered to the thoughts, opinions, or presence of anyone else.