Hi readers :).
The day before yesterday I fell into the eye of the storm. My life is not actually a storm, but it is so fantastically engaging that I treasure the time I find to breathe. And to write, too, because I haven’t felt able to write for a while. I was reading my Nicaragua post, from way back last winter, and it’s astounding how thoughtful, how deliberate, the writing is.
The day before before yesterday I pulled my first academic all-nighter, so this trend of non-reflection is quite likely to continue. I don’t recommend all-nighters, by the way. Very draining. I was talking to people and falling asleep, and talking is about the most engaging activity there is.
But in that all-nighter I finished my Churchill application materials, my 9.71 (Human fMRI class) proposal that will take me through the end of the semester, and half of my background for my Neuro 300 grant. In terms of how many proposals I completely rewrote from scratch, I was on take two of the Churchill, take four of the 9.71 proposal, and take two of the Neuro 300 grant. I cannot tell you how much I am learning this semester. Next semester I won’t have any of this—none of the independent, self-driven projects, pushing myself to design experiments that haven’t been done before, making them good, which is much harder than you’d expect—I’ll be back to reading textbooks and preparing for midterms. It will be a relief, in a way. In another it will be a huge loss, because I’ll never have this challenge, this push to see what I can do, make it up, make it better, try harder, think harder—to work so hard with nothing hanging off of it, just the desire and ability to rise to the challenge. To go back to problem sets again, working on problems whose answers have been scrawled by students on years worth of papers: a relief and a loss.
This balance between the two is hard for me. I don’t feel drained—I love my classes and activities; this is by far the best collection of classes I could ever take. But as Isabelle mentioned today: “I don’t have a life this semester. But I suspect I have more of one than you do.” And this “having a life” business is interesting. We all have our own definitions, and mine involves having the time to chat with people, to taking a few hours off for an activity on weekends, to talking to someone for hours if we both have the time. I keep telling people: “Don’t let me take more than three classes next semester. Keep reminding me. Tell me no.” Because I want to sign up for more classes again, I want to continue taking and doing well at all of my classes and activities. The drive to succeed that I see in myself is enormous. I haven’t fallen down on any of my assignments, I haven’t made any grievous errors, I’ve finished everything that I’ve decided to work towards, I’m eating meals with friends and working on my thesis and doing well. It’s… just such a performance, I guess. High expectations, and I got myself into this, so I’m dang well going to pull myself out with shining colors. It’s all the wanting, I suppose. And the receiving.
Because I live in an amazing world, where if I want something and work for it I can get it. If I want to take five classes, no one’s going to stop me. If I want to tutor neuroscience students, and blog for all of you, and have amazing friends and a sister at this school and a supportive family and pour myself into research and make appointments with incredible professors and decide my own schedule and eat great food that’s been prepared for me and ask anyone for help and travel to MIT and Harvard Med School and back and workout every night and have my own room and space—no one’s going to stop me. In fact, they’re going to encourage me. By doing what they love themselves, and handing resources and encouragement my way, and letting me run free and smile at me as I go. It’s such an amazing place I live in, so many opportunities rich for the taking. College is the best time of your life. I believe it: for the choice.
It’s always odd, being on the bus by myself after a trip to HMS on a weekend, usually after having slept over, and listening to the chatter of the packed bus on the way back. They went to a concert, she’s with her boyfriend, they went to the Museum of Fine Arts, they went to dinner. This time I followed them in for dinner at the Lulu Wang Center: and there were crowds of them. Girls socializing, relaxing after a tough practice, eating before econ help room, planning a movie. So many people—and it shouldn’t be a surprise, but I’m in the same buildings at MIT, the same room at HMS, the same Science Center at Wellesley, the same paths in Boston, the same room here. This is my place, I am comfortable with everything, and it’s so funny to realize that there’s the rest of the school living here, each with their own lives, not just the people I see every day.
I got to do pretty much one of my favorite things ever today—sort through huge data tables, organizing it in Matlab so that the right pieces fall out. It’s part of my work with Prof. Hildreth—I’m in charge of this project, decide what I want to do with it, decide when I want to work on it, and if I want I can shake the World Color Survey data and see what pieces fall out. Coding all day, on that and 9.66 (Computational Cognitive Science), then with Isabelle on CS 230 (Data Structures). “You look like you’re in pain,” Leah said, passing me in the Science Center. She too suffers from frowning when she’s concentrating. “No, no,” I reassured her. “This is the best thing ever!”
I had lunch with Tiff, and last week we discussed the article about transgender in the New York Times. “Well, the least morally ambiguous bit is to let trans-women apply,” we were saying, discussing what was less and more ambiguous, what the response on campus was, what the concrete implications were, how the community should respond. She sent me an article today on it, titled “What do you think?” Today at lunch we discussed the Family Medicine Open-Hall meeting she, Suman, and Ika had gone to, and what Harvard Medical School’s plans were to improve their system. I see Tiffany maybe an hour a week in two lunch sessions before we each rush off. No one else I talk to would bring up these issues, or ask me what I think. On the other hand, I had a great time discussing with Emily whether one could swim in a pool of the less dense kind of strawberry yogurt. Both were equivalent engagement, the same amount of mental effort going on. I was reading my past blog about Nicaragua, when I mentioned we fall into stereotyped patterns of behavior. But is it stereotyped if I enjoy it? …I like both, and have a feeling I need both. In some ways I’m pushing myself harder than I ever have, and in the other, not at all.
I want to travel a little, after college. I’ve decided I’m not applying to grad school this year. I have two weeks of winter break before I’m working again, I’m working through Thanksgiving and Spring Break, and I expect to have maybe two weeks before I start working for the summer after I graduate. More than anything, that decision is based on time. Time to get a better grasp on what I want to study in the future, gain some more experience in lab, maybe try dating for once (there has to be a reason it’s popular). Travel. I need to get a job of course, after the summer ends, but that’s a workload waiting for me in January. For now, I’ll just think of the traveling—thrown in a new environment with new people and new thoughts, hard and difficult in an entirely different way.
I love taking classes at MIT and Wellesley. Two of my friends—Isabelle and Tiffany—are going to take classes at MIT next semester, and I’m so excited for them. I really do have a perfect semester—9.71 is amazing with Professor Kanwisher (so much challenge and so much support), and 9.66 is entirely differently amazing (so much new and thought-provoking). And friends in all of my MIT classes, who I’ll be sad to leave next semester. Wellesley, of course, is my home. Friends here, professors here, CS 230 (Java) and Neuro 300 (our capstone class). The differences in both schools makes me more aware of what’s valuable in each, makes me pay attention to the details and have a better outlook as a fused combination of both. In other great things, I’m attending the Society for Neuroscience Conference next Saturday through Wednesday. My next post will be from there. This year will be even better than the last—when I think back to where I was last year, to my thoughts on… well, everything, it makes who I am this semester so much brighter. I hope every year involves so much learning—I don’t, because each lesson involves a struggle, but I do, because, because.
I feel a bit more grounded now, you know? Here in the eye of the storm. Floating still, because I’m not done yet—so many things grabbing for my attention, things I will do my utmost to keep afloat. But the hardest part of the semester is over—the decisions are made, several month-long struggles overcome. I’m calmer than I could have ever hoped to be before this year, and ready to bring everything to its end. What’s the purpose of college and life? Choice. Learning. Beauty. And I’ll never know.
Monica
Okay guys. I am REALLY struggling with the pictures this week, so you get this lovely picture of me and Isabelle messing around before working on our pset. Isabelle: “What should I do? I should do something. I’ll write physics equations on the board!” Me: “Uh, I’ll just– stand here?” Me and Isabelle spend some seriously quality time together as CS230 partners, which has a weekly pset that takes between 7-10 hours. We are the best partners, because we question each other at every turn and don’t put up with any nonsense on either side. Plus we are like the same person in terms of future goals and interests. So much love to Isabelle.
This could be you, you know. CAMPUS TOURS AT WELLESLEY. Super wonky colors, too. I was staring at the image on the camera, looking at the sky, and taking repeated pictures and being like: I swear that light beam isn’t right there. What is it doing right there?! Vision, dudes. It’s awesome.