We have probably all been ghosting at some point in our lives – when someone cuts off communication with us after being in a professional or personal relationship where communication has occurred in the past and is expected to continue. What is going on and how should we react?
A Supervisor or Colleague
There are times when you may feel you’re getting ignored by a colleague, either someone at your same level or even a supervisor.
This can take the form of delayed/unanswered emails or cancelled meeting invitations. You wonder if the other person was just busy or whether the non-response was intentional. You think over the past few months to try to determine if you had dropped the ball sometime or if you had unintentionally insulted or embarrassed them. Sometimes you worry that maybe something is going on that you haven’t been informed about, or worse, that your job may be on the chopping block.
Perhaps all that ruminating is unnecessary. People have a lot on their plates these days. Maybe it would be better to simply pick up the phone and talk, rather than get mired in emails. Perhaps they didn’t know that you really needed to hear back in a certain amount of time. Possibly it was an oversight. It would be worth the discomfort of a chat to at least know if everything is ok.
A Friend
We put a lot of emotional energy into our friends and trust them to get back to us when we contact them. Some are naturally better at initiating get-togethers and others always manage to wait for someone else to make a plan. This can get annoying, but at least most of them comply with a plan.
I know someone who was ghosted by some people in her town recently. The neighbors were moving and the move was four months off. My friend texted them with an invitation to have them over for dinner “anytime” before their move. The answer was that there would be an informal sendoff gathering on a certain afternoon (when she were scheduled to be away). This bothered her immensely – how could somebody not have time for dinner over a four-month period? My friend thought about what she might have done to cause this response, thinking she had always been a good neighbor. Finally, she decided that it was ridiculous to obsess over it and realized that she should simply let it go (singing the Frozen song) because it did not matter anyway. If they had been close friends all along, the best bet would have been to sit down and talk it out; however, they were not and therefore the whole thing did not deserve the worry she was giving it. Poof – she felt better.
People may ghost for a wide variety of reasons. Probably the number one reason is that most people want to avoid conflict or socially awkward situations. A lot of people do not do well when there is even slight discomfort in a professional or personal relationship. They might be overworked or they might simply be negligent and they are not paying attention.
So, what can we do if we think we are being ghosted? Worrying and obsessing clearly will not solve a single thing. Asking others, depending upon the situation, might shed some light but you don’t want to come off as paranoid. You might consider leaving them a brief, lighthearted message and say that you’d love to reconnect. Give them the benefit of the doubt because maybe they are swamped, maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings, or maybe they are trying to figure out a solution. If you still do not receive a response, you might consider being more direct and say that you would like to know what’s going on. With a continuing silence (again, depending upon the situation), you might want to be Elsa and leave it all behind.- realizing that you are more important than that and you want to protect your own mental health. You deserve much better.
Get back on that saddle and keep riding forwards.
