Someone recently confessed her tendency to express negative thoughts and feared she might be engaging in microaggressions. This self-awareness and humility is to be commended, for few of us are willing to admit such things. I wrote a blog in January 2022 about how to respond when someone commits an aggression against you. This one is exploring what we do if we believe that we might be snubbing someone based solely upon their membership is a marginalized group?
Microaggressions are verbal and/or nonverbal slights or insults that express negative (even hostile) or derogatory messages to (or about) people based purely upon the fact that they are in a different – viewed as somehow “less than” – classification than you. These insults can be intentional or unintentional.
You may be well-intentioned and you consciously believe in and profess equality. Sometimes, however, you may unconsciously act in a racist/homophobic/ableistic/misogynistic/status-conscious manner. How do you stop this type of behavior, particularly since you think that you accept all people?
First, if you commit a microaggression, it is important to express a sincere and heartfelt apology to the person you offended. You can say that you are sure that the impact was offensive and that you did not intend that… but that nevertheless it should not have happened.
Second, don’t expect that it will all be “ok” or that you will be forgiven – and do not hold it against the person offended. You need to work on consciously changing your verbal and non-verbal behavior and that should be your focus … not whether or not you feel good about yourself again.
Third, listen to the other person if they are willing to talk with you about the incident. You want to actively listen to what they say and not listen so that you can think of something to say. Don’t make any of it about you – it is about understanding the other person’s perspective and feelings. Then, sincerely thank them for opening up and sharing their thoughts with you. It may not have been easy for them.
Fourth, be excessively aware of how you react toward people who are not like you. If your reaction is anything but “equal,” you need to read articles and books that will shed light on it, practice what you will say the next time you are in a situation where you might unintentionally offend, and possibly even write down the instances in a journal and add what you should have said/done instead. This is a very helpful practice for making one conscious of their actions and behaviorally changing them for the future.
Instead of: Perhaps say this:
Where are you from anyway? Are you from the US? I was born in Vermont. How about you?
You and your friends are all good in math. I try hard in math but biology is easier for me.
Do you work here? (Don’t ask – just go to the front of the store)
Why do you always talk about race? The subject of race is important.
CAN YOU HEAR ME? (Never assume multiple disabilities)
You people always … (Avoid negative stereotypes)
I can’t pronounce your name. Can you help me say your name properly?
She just forgets your preferred pronoun (Resist temptation to apologize for someone)
